On Board Games and Movies

Battleship: The Movie.

Yes, this is a thing.

Observe.

Sure to be next year's must see movie, Battleship asks the big questions. Why is there a random alien ship in the middle of the ocean? Why are they fighting aliens and not, you know, other ships, like in the game? And, the biggest of all; is this the end of Liam Neeson's career?

Seriously though... aliens? Why aliens? Has whoever wrote the script for this played a different version of Battleship than what I grew up with? Battleship is a game where two enemy fleets fire shots at random co-ordinates in the desperate hope they'll get lucky and hit something. Anything! Surely it can't have been that tricky to come up with a story incorporating this. But, no, we get aliens.

You can also presumably throw in some generic character growth where Admiral Neeson eventually comes to accept Sailor Hotshot as worthy of marrying his daughter. Probably cause he kills some alien that's about to kill the Admiral. Yay.

It seems to me that, rather than actually base the movie on the game, they've just come up with a story that has a naval fleet in it. Then, with the story done and filming underway, they've just attached the title 'Battleship' to it, and assured us all that it's very much absolutely based on the game. The game had aliens right? No? Oh, too late now.

And as for Admiral Neeson's quote at the end...

"Prepare to fire!"
"Sir, which weapons?"
"All of them."

No, Admiral Neeson, you're doing it wrong! You have to take turns firing, you can't just shoot everything at once! One shot at a time! And you didn't even give a co-ordinate! How are your officers going to know where to shoot.

You don't play Battleship very well at all Admiral Neeson...

Apparently Battleship is only going to be the first of a new run of movies based on games made/owned by Hasbro. Previous Hasbro titles to have received the movie treatment include Cluedo and Dungeons & Dragons. I can only imagine what the rest of this new batch might include...

Connect Four - Enter a dark, fantasy world where Light and Dark have warred for countless centuries. With the arrival of the Hero of the Light, things are looking up for the forces of good. But when the Legions of Darkness spawn their own Hero, the Hero of the Light must embark on an epic quest. His goal is to find the four Light Amulets and connect them together before the Hero of the Dark can do the same with the Dark Amulets. It's a race against time to win the war!

Hungry Hungry Hippos - Meet the Hippo family; Lizzie and Henry, the mother and father and their two sons, Homer and Harry. They're Hippos, and they're hungry! There's no longer enough food in the river they call home. Now they must set off on a journey to find a new home. But what will they eat along the way? No, Homer, don't eat Larry, he's a lion! Oh, you silly Hungry Hippos! Fun for all the family!

Twister - You want us to make a movie based off Twister? Didn't they already do that movie back in the 90s? Yeah, you know the one, team of people chasing storms around the US. It had that scene with the flying cow. Yeah, that's it! What? That's nothing to do with the game Twister? What the heck is Twister then? Oh, I see. And you want me to make that a movie? Can't I just go with the storms? No? Damn. How's this then:

In a dystopian future the government controls everything - right down to how you move. Everyday it's left foot on red, right foot on green, left foot on blue as Mark walks to work. Mark knows a wrong step invites only death, but what happens when he decides he'd rather place his right foot on yellow?

Guess Who? - A criminal mastermind has kidnapped 24 of the most wealthy and influential people in the world. The case arrives on Detective Lewis' desk, and he begins the investigation. To his surprise, the kidnapper e-mails him a list of 24 locations, each hiding one of the victims. In a cruel twist, however, the detective must unravel a series of clues to reveal the identity of who is held at each location. If his guess is wrong, the person he is trying to save will die. Can he save them all?

Monopoly - Welcome to Monopolopolis, the city where dreams are either made, or destroyed. Man on a Horse, Mr. Top Hat, Scottie Dog, Miss Thimble and Terri the Train Driver all come to the city with dreams of making it big in the real estate market. Man on a Horse quickly sets himself up as the city banker, enjoying his role of handing out and taking money, as well as occasionally slipping himself a bit extra for his personal use when no one else notices.

Mr. Top Hat spends a great deal of time complaining. Everyone seems to be working by a different set of rules to him. Back in his home town, everyone worked differently. He doesn't get how they do things in Monopolopolis.

Scottie Dog spends a great deal of time complaining about other people taking his money when he passes by their properties. He's very quick to cackle whenever he takes someones money though.

Miss Thimble is a very disorganised person. She spends all her time sorting out her property deeds, counting her money, then messing it all up and starting again.

Terri the Train Driver knows she's fighting a losing battle. Everyone else is way ahead of her in the property market. She doesn't even know why she bothered coming to Monopolopolis

At over 10 hours long this movie is not for the weak bladdered amongst us. The ending is a bitter disappointment. Nobody wins, the actors all just walk away bored. Fortunately, the audience has probably left long before this.

Features a special appearance by Admiral Neeson in his Battleship. No aliens though. Hopefully...

Monopolopolis is a fun word to write.

Mouse Trap - Matty and Mindy are two mice living in the house of crazy Professor Kittykins - the professor who is also a cat. When food starts to become scarce, Matty and Mindy are forced to leave their comfortable hole in the wall and brave the dangers of the professor's home. Can they navigate all the traps and make it to the food? What last, final trap does Professor Kittykins have in store? FUN FOR ALL THE FAMILY*!

*Not including disgruntled, angst-ridden teens.

And that's as much as I dare to imagine right now. If anyone else has alternate ideas, or ideas for games I haven't mentioned, I'd love to hear them.